Dear Diary

 Dear Diary, 

I don’t really know where to start. Today was one of those days where the academic grind mentality just did not hit. Instead, I think the world might explode and end, because I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life right now. I went to my first meeting with a college counselor- she’s going to help me get into college- and it just feels like all the weight in the world is going to get thrown at me. One by one, my list of programs to apply to, books to write, business ideas to work on, it just grows and grows and I want it to stop. Everywhere I look, there’s people that are doing insanely incredible things: internships at large firms, starting not one, but TWO non profit organizations, volunteering or partnering with a major business. When I started high school two years ago, I knew that I would have to work and always be on the grind, but I’m so stuck now. It feels like college is just a fingertip out of reach, and I’m stuck suspended in the air, trying to close the gap. 

Two years and I’ve just been studying, keeping my grades where I need them, and all of a sudden, there’s universities going test-optional, dropping acceptance rates so low that maybe even a waitlist will be an accomplishment soon. Someone once told me that UCs’ admissions officers will take a look at a whole application in under 7-10 minutes. So many essays, my transcripts, letters of recommendation, and activities taking months to come together- just for those few minutes? I know it doesn’t help to complain, but it just doesn’t seem real to me. 

How can a college identify who we are as a person, and pride themselves on being able to choose students that can really put themselves out there, when everyone is going so above and beyond. We’re teenagers trying to learn how to sustain ourselves for our futures, but teenagers already having whole futures written before we even start our journeys. How do you even begin to attempt to stand out against people that are just as good as cancer scientists or founders of the next big startup?

I think about all the “what ifs” all the time. What if I don’t get into my target schools? What if these 4 years of all the blood, sweat, tears, and time end up amounting to nothing? It’s so much easier said than done when a parent tells me to not worry or to not compare myself to others. In the end, that’s what happens when I’m sending in application after application. Comparing myself, my personality, my character, my ethic and integrity, and of course, my experience to millions of other students around the country. Everyone seems to have their life together, and knows what they want to do, and when they want to do it.  

I know internally that there’s so much more to me than my resume, and I think I trust colleges to see that, but I just can’t come to terms with myself on that. I want to believe that everything will work out and I want to believe every word my college counselor says to me. All the stress and fear comes down real quick though, and it’s hard to see anything past the flurry of emotions I’m constantly being attacked by. Junior year is the epitome of high school hell. I can’t mess up, I know that much is engraved into my brain. And I know that I’m going to rely so much on my experiences from this next year; it’ll practically shape the rest of my educational future. 

In the end though, I try to remind myself that college is definitely my biggest goal and the topmost priority of my life right now, but there’s so many steps that I still need to take before I even turn over that stone. I might just be saying that because I think I’ll still be feeling the same way, and worrying about the same things when I wake up again, but honestly, there needs to be a way to navigate all of this without losing my head in the process. I guess I’ll find out as I keep going.