The Error of Giftedness

Image Courtesy- Pintrest

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey there Diary,

How have you been doing, sitting on the corner of my desk? Actually, screw that question because it's kind of lame. But... instead, I hope you are prepared to hear or really feel the words that I am going to write today. I know you won't judge what I will write 😊.

I am going to spill it and not ramble on about something else. It's about what other people think. Now, I know you might tell me that I shouldn't care about what other people think or say or even do! But it really does matter in the end because those are the people who will be there with me in the future, don't you think? I'm in APAAS if you remember me telling/writing this to you a few months ago. Turns out, it isn't as great as I thought it would be. People say that I'm an APAAS freak or I'm too smart to hang out with other friends. Do you think that is very nice? That's why I care... I won't only talk about APAAS though, today, I will share everything that I think. 

It's sad when people tell me that I might be naturally talented or my strength, personality, or achievements come from my parents. And I know it's bizarre that people would even come and tell me these sorts of things, but they do because humans are crazy and strangle people and crazy people do crazy things... does that make even a tad bit of sense? Do you think I'm writing more than I should be now? Well, nevermind that because I haven't poured my heart out yet. I get medals and awards, and people come and congratulate me... that's fine... and then they say how my parents must have been a great help and that I must be really happy that they were able to pass on to me such wonderful talents (through genetics and that sciency stuff). Now don't get me wrong, I am glad my parents are there to help me with everything but when people don't look at my hard work, that is just frustrating sometimes.

Now here's the heart pouring part: these people that I'm talking about don't see that I sit until 12:00 AM in the middle of the night studying, devoted to learning everything I can and the passion that I have had to focus on the learning. They don't see the tears that have gone rolling drop by drop, down my face because I didn't understand what I was focusing on or because everything was too overwhelming. Not to mention the fact that I missed parties and events to stay home and how I lost opportunities to watch TV, spend time with my family, and even go on walks. Oh and don't get me started about how in the end, as I mentioned, it ALWAYS goes down to people looking at the award. And I know it shouldn't bother me... but it kind of does. These people probably never even think about the layers underneath. It takes time, focus, grit, and definitely determination for the early morning- 3:00 AM studying seasons or the pain I face when I am tired of doing the same stroke or turn for the hundredth time to improve my swimming. Maybe they see my patience and skill but do they even think about the planning and the visions I have in my mind? And yes, my parents are definitely and always there for me, supporting me, helping me learn what I can't by myself, but do you notice how much is overlooked?

(I know this isn't a "just-me" thing, but you know... sometimes that's what it feels like)

I need to tell you one last thing. The behind-the-scenes that I mentioned a little while ago, those things could make a person collapse. Did I mention that I have missed school because I spent so long practicing swimming that my body ached to the point that I couldn't move? And have I told before about the many times that tears came down my face because practicing piano can be SO exhausting and annoying and frustrating. I have told you all of this but I'm still finding it hard to bring to you my emotions... I wish I could bring you into my world to show you what I mean... but I cannot so I'll just write out my world to you. 

These types of diary entries make me feel so vulnerable... they make me want to cry or go to the corner of my room, did you know that? Or, do you feel the same way when the ink of my pen seeps into your pages? It feels great to get these feelings and words out. Those thoughts have hit their destination and now, I can write to you about other things that go bonkers in my mind, sitting there, no way out, doing nothing but tormenting me. I think I've rambled on enough now so I'll leave you at that. Thanks for listening (or rather feeling the words I wrote) to me, Diary. I know that you may not be able to understand or be able to write back to me on the things that I have written to you about, but know that you really helped me clear my mind. Bye now!!

Love 😘,

Deea